jessie mahne
Dabbling in comedy, Muay Thai & communication-related jorbs until one of them kills me.

Nov
02

First and foremost: CONAN PREMIERES IN LESS THAN A WEEK!!! BAHH!!!!!!!

To pre-game his TBS debut, Conan aired “Show Zero” on his blog at www.TeamCoco.com. Here’s my review.

For a two minute show, I thought it was sweet. The only bad thing was that I expected it to be a full-length show and I ended up slamming half a bottle of champagne for the occasion, which resulted in taking a slew of pictures of myself wearing a Conan shirt.

Here’s the best one?

Either way, when he came on screen and I got to see his face hosting a talk show for the first time since Jay Leno re-claimed is douche-ism, I got very excited. I can’t wait for him to host a talk show again.  How about you?

Oct
31

This is something I should have done 365 days ago:

Oct
28

(http://www.corbisimages.com/Enlargement/42-21364262.html)

I bet if you asked anybody on this planet, no one would say that, STEREOTYPICALLY, a man’s bathroom is nicer than a woman’s bathroom. Yeah, there can be shitty women’s bathrooms and super nice men’s bathrooms, but at first judgement, you’re not going to be optimistic when entering a guy’s bathroom.

I’m not very girly, but I still happen to be extremely picky when it comes to bathrooms. I will not live with a “category four” bathroom.  Having said that, yes, there are four categories a bathroom can fall into:

Category #1: “Nice!”

These are the brand new bathrooms usually belonging to an adult couple who clean it and don’t shit everywhere.

 

Category #2: “Hmm. Decent.”

First of all, anywhere bowel movements are accepted and stored is automatically disgusting. So, every bathroom has a hint of “disgusting.” However, if this bathroom was built after 1990, I am impressed.

 

Category #3: “Ew.”

Any bathroom built before the 1990’s gets the “very” tacked onto the beginning of its description. I don’t care if it smells like the Garden of Eden, its still a bathroom, and even worse, its an old bathroom with mold everywhere. But, this is usually the case for college/young adult women; they get stuck in a 1960’s dorm, apartment or house and no matter what they do to spruce up the joint, the bathroom is still old and gross.

 

Category #4: “Oh my God, no.”

The second I bring Jesus into anything, I’m backing out. This is the category I automatically throw a college/young adult man’s bathroom into. I expect nothing less than a hint of ammonia and ass-feet as I’m stepping into it. But, if I’m wrong, then the bathroom is only “very disgusting” as opposed to “severely disgusting.” But to be honest, I’d feel more comfortable and cleaner going in the woods. At least it always smells like pine needles.

 

If I deserve ONE THING in my life, its a nice bathroom.

Oct
28

The word “diet” can suck it. Too many people (including myself) have associated it with fasting, not eating carbohydrates or only eating lettuce and ice-cubes until you look like a corpse (thanks, ‘Merican society!).

I like to use the phrase “eating plan” or “eating schedule” because when you’re trying to lose weight for a sport or just for your own sake, you have to put time and effort into creating an outline of the perfect amount of  macro-nutrients (fat, carbs and protein), not just starving yourself until you sh*t water.

Here’s a quick breakdown of each macro-nutrient:

1g of Fat = 9 calories

1g of Carbs = 4 calories

1g of Protein = 4 calories

So, if you eat a slice of 100% whole wheat bread, the macro-nutrients may be:

1g fat, 20g carbs, 5g protein

Therefore, that one slice of 100% whole wheat bread is 109 calories

1(9) + 20(4) + 5(4)

9   +    80    +  20

109 calories

(NOTE: On the package, the slice of bread is only 100 calories. This is because 9 of those calories are fiber, which are not absorbed by the body, aka it’ll make you poop).

So, here’s two simple rules to follow when building the perfect eating plan:

(1) Have the total amount of grams of protein and carbohydrates each equal your goal weight.

For example, if you want to weight 135lbs, you should be consuming 135g of protein and 135g of carbohyrates per day.

(2) Fat should be 30%-35% of your caloric intake.

(3) Create at least 6 meals so you can consistently eat every two to four hours.

BREAKFAST 8am KCAL FAT CARBS PROTEIN
Banana 105 0 27 1
1 slice Arnold wheat bread 100 1 20 5
1tbsp PB 95 8 4 3.5
2tbsp Jam 50 0 12 0
1 cup Yogurt 80 0 16 5
Total 430 9 79 14.5
 

SNACK 11am

2tbsp PB 190 16 8 7
Total 190 16 8 7
 

LUNCH 2pm

Turkey burger 160 9 0 18
1 egg 71 5 0 6
1 egg white 13 0 0 3
1 slice of chz 70 5 2 4
Total 314 19 2 31
 

PRE MUAY THAI 6pm

1 scoop Whey protein 120 1 4 24
2tsp honey 40 0 11.34 0
Total 160 1 15.34 24
 

POST MUAY THAI 9pm

1 scoop Whey protein 120 1 4 24
1tbsp PB 95 8 4 3.5
2tsp honey 40 0 11 0
Total 255 9 19 27.5
 

SUPPER 11pm

1c 1% cottage chz 163 2 6 28
1 medium tomato 22 0 5 1
Total 185 2 11 29
 

GRAND TOTAL

 

1534

 

56

 

134.34

 

133

TOTAL GRAMS 504 537.36 532
% OF MACRO’S 35% 32% 33%


Oct
27

After searching for a homemade protein bar recipe, I came across a pretty simple and delicious recipe that helped me come up with my “cake batter protein snack.”

Here’s what you need:

1 scoop of Whey Protein

2tbsp of Peanut Butter

2tsp of Honey

1tbsp of water

(1) mix those four ingredients together until you get a cake batter consistency

(2) lick the bowl clean like you did when you were a kid

Nutrition Facts:

350 calories

17g – fat

23.34g – carbs

31g – protein

I love this because it tastes like a dessert but is a great post-workout meal or meal replacement supplement while you’re dieting.

Let me know what you think!

Oct
25

Back in college, my freshman year roommate and I had an inside joke where we’d act like complete a-holes in our chairs whenever we heard or hummed a Herb Alpert tune. Eventually, I started filming myself interpretively dancing to my favorites.

Now, its been a couple of years since I’ve done these and I’m thinking about bringing it back. Perhaps, you agree?

Mexican Hat Dance (2007)

 

Spanish Fly (2008)

 

Work Song (2009)

 

Sweet.

Oct
24

It is exactly what it sounds like.

Here’s a poorly hyphenated word in a book titled “Martini.”

They hyphenated word was “cocktail.” Nice work.

And finally, racist paint:

What about black people? Didn’t Crayola get sued for this?

Oct
20

When I woke up Monday morning, unable to move every limb due to my workouts over the weekend, I knew I’ve done something magical. If by “magical” you mean “to destroy every [muscle] fiber of my being.”

Therefore, I want to share this magical weightlifting wonder with all of you looking for a sweet way to kick your ass and get ripped. I like to call them “compound drop-sets.”

“compound” set is when you perform two different workouts back-to-back which work the same muscle group. For example, doing bench dips immediately after doing overhead triceps extensions (both work your triceps).

“drop-set” is when you perform a workout with a certain weight, then once you fatigue at that weight, dramatically drop the weight and go until you fatigue, and so on and so on. For example, start with 135lbs on the bar and squat until you can’t squat anymore, then immediately drop the weight to 95lbs and squat until death, then drop to the bar and squat until you can’t anymore.

So, I’ve tried to combine the two types of workouts into one… which wasn’t that brilliant of a discovery, but still something I don’t see everyday (let alone see chicks do everyday). Here’s what I did that brutally KICKED MY ASS:

(Do what tickles your fancy to warm-up for 3 minutes. I like playing around with kettel bells).

Squats

Set 1 – 12 reps with barbell + 25lbs on each side (95lbs)

Set 2 – 24 reps with 2olb dumbbells

Rest 45 seconds & repeat

Calves

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(http://www.greatweightlifting.com/Legs/Leg-Press.html)

Set 1 – 12 reps on “lying leg press” machine with 225lbs on either side

Set 2 – Tippie-toe farmers walks for one minute while holding 45lbs in each hand

Rest 45 seconds & repeat

 

Stiff-leg dead lifts

Set 1 – 12 reps with barbell + 25lbs on each side (95lbs)

Set 2 – 24 reps with 20lb dumbbells

Rest 45s & repeat

 

Lying inner thigh lifts

 

 

 

 

 

(http://www.fitnessmagazine.com/workout/pilates/exercises/5-minute-pilates-workout/?page=3)

12 reps followed immediately by 24 circles (12 each direction (clockwise & counter clockwise))

Rest 45 seconds & repeat

 

Lying outer thigh lifts

(http://www.endbackpain.com/?tag=exercise)

8 reps followed immediately by 16 circles (8 each direction (clockwise & counter clockwise))

Rest 45 seconds & repeat

Calves

(http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/how-to-do-the-standing-calf-raise.seriesId-101966.html)

Find a surface three inches above the ground (stack weight plates on the ground) and stand so your ankles are off of the plates. Slowing lower and raise yourself via your calves…

20 reps with toes facing forward

20 reps with toes facing inward

20 reps with toes facing outward

Rest 45 seconds & repeat

 

Stretch & foam/medicine (med.) ball roll your legs & back.

-Rolling out your muscles helps with recovery/prevents being SORE AS BALLS afterward.

-Use a foam roll or med. ball (I prefer using a med. ball because of the smaller point therefore putting more pressure on your muscles and “hurts so good,” dare I say) and sit on it while you roll it up and down your hamstrings, then quads, then calves, then outer thigh and finally up and down your spine a few times. It hurts like a mother at first, but once you become stronger and more badass, it won’t.


(http://www.my-physical-therapy-coach.com/ITB-syndrome.html)

Let me know what you think!

(NOTE: I am not a certified personal trainer. I am just merely a meat head).

Oct
20

When I woke up Monday morning, unable to move every limb due to my workouts over the weekend, I knew I’ve done something magical. If by “magical” you mean “to destroy every [muscle] fiber of my being.”

Therefore, I want to share this magical weightlifting wonder with all of you looking for a sweet way to kick your ass and get ripped. I like to call them “compound drop-sets.”

A “compound” set is when you perform two different workouts back-to-back which work the same muscle group. For example, doing bench dips immediately after doing overhead triceps extensions (both work your triceps).

A “drop-set” is when you perform a workout with a certain weight, then once you fatigue at that weight, dramatically drop the weight and go until you fatigue, and so on and so on. For example, start with 135lbs on the bar and squat until you can’t squat anymore, then immediately drop the weight to 95lbs and squat until death, then drop to the bar and squat until you can’t anymore.

So, I’ve tried to combine the two types of workouts into one… which wasn’t that brilliant of a discovery, but still something I don’t see everyday (let alone see chicks do everyday). Here’s what I did that brutally KICKED MY ASS:

 

(Do what tickles your fancy to warm-up for 3 minutes. I like playing around with kettel bells).

Military press (shoulders)

Set 1 – 12 reps with the barbell

Set 2 – 24 reps with 12lb dumbbells

Rest 45 seconds & repeat

Overhead triceps extensions (Triceps)

Set 1 – 12 reps with 30lb dumbbell

Set 2 – 24 reps with 15lb dumbbell

Rest 45 seconds & repeat

Bench press (Chest)

Set 1 – 12 reps with barbell + 5lbs on each side (55lbs)

Set 2 – 24 reps with 15lb dumbbells

Rest 45 seconds & repeat

Bicep curls (biceps)

Set 1 – 12 reps with barbell

Set 2 – 24 reps with 12lb dumbbells

Rest 45 seconds & repeat

Bent rows (Upper back)

Set 1 – 12 reps with barbell + 5lbs on each side (55lbs)

Set 2 – 24 reps with 15lb dumbbells

(http://www.menshealth.com.sg/fitness/strength-building-workout)

Good Mornings (Lower back)

Set 1 – 12 reps with barbell + 10lbs on each side (65lbs)

Set 2 – 24 reps with barbell

Rest 45 seconds & repeat

(http://body-like-bruce.com/weight-lifting/)

 

 

 

 

 

Core

Planks for 1 min (Stability)

20 reps of Starfish (obliques)

 

Lying leg lifts (Lower abdominals)

Rest 45 seconds & repeat

Cardio

Warm-up walk for 1min

10% incline, 5mph for 2 min

Rest 30s & repeat 3 times

Cool down walk for 1 min

Stretch & foam/medicine (med.) ball roll your legs & back.

-Rolling out your muscles helps with recovery/prevents being SORE AS BALLS afterward.

-Use a foam roll or med. ball (I prefer using a med. ball because of the smaller point therefore putting more pressure on your muscles and “hurts so good,” dare I say) and sit on it while you roll it up and down your hamstrings, then quads, then calves, then outer thigh and finally up and down your spine a few times. It hurts like a mother at first, but once you become stronger and more badass, it won’t.


(http://www.my-physical-therapy-coach.com/ITB-syndrome.html)

Let me know what you think!

(NOTE: I am not a certified personal trainer. I am just merely a meat head).

Oct
18

While visiting my mom in Wisconsin, I carved my annual Halloween pumpkin. And, since Conan is awesome, I dedicated it to him:

Chris and I posing with our creations:

And for good measure (and because I’m an idiot):

I love you, Halloween Conan… of the Late Night era (I’ll never let go).